Update

Blog

Bonjour,

I realise it’s been a while since I’ve posted on here, and I will explain why, because I feel that it’s important for people to know.

As you know, I have suffered with anxiety my whole life, but only being recently formally diagnosed (in May 2017). I have battled with panic attacks throughout the course of my life and 2017 has defiantly been the worst, most testing, year yet.

Over the Christmas period, I have been having at least 3 or 4 panic attacks every day in the space of about two weeks. If you’ve ever endured a panic attack or anxiety episode, you will know that it is absolutely exhausting and draining. I haven’t felt like eating, and as a result I have lost nearly a stone in weight. I only weigh just over 6 stone anyway on a normal day so to lose this much weight is a concern. I have also been sleeping for most of the Christmas period, which makes me worry that I am ruining everyone else’s fun and ruining it for my family, which sparks off another anxiety attack. My anxiety also makes me feel sick to my stomach with nausea, like I’m going to throw up at any moment. I am sick of feeling sick. I’m fed up of not feeling like my normal self and being able to enjoy my favourite time of the year, as, once again, I have ruined it for myself and my family.

Yesterday, I decided to nip this feeling in the bud and try and get help before it spirals out of control. I phoned my local GP and was asked what the matter was by the receptionist. I told her that my usual doctor and I had discussed my anxiety and that it was beginning to get worse again. The receptionist then said ‘oh, so it isn’t an emergency then?’ And made me a phone appointment for three weeks time with a doctor I had ever met before. I was on the brink of tears so I accepted the appointment and hung up before sobbing and thinking that nobody in the world cared.

Desperate, I searched for any help online. The only thing I could find was a self-referral form for group sessions for people with anxiety. ‘Group sessions for people with anxiety’. Surely that’s a huge oxymoron in itself?

So basically, I am being out-right honest here. I am really struggling right now, and when people ask me ‘how are you coping’, just know that I am not coping. I don’t know how to deal with this and it’s scary. And now learning that there is absolutely zero help out there makes me feel even more alone. I just hope my own mind can sort itself out, because it seems nothing else will.

Sorry for the downer.

Emily

Xoxo

Graduation And How I Got There!

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When I was in school, I was always the ‘middle of the road’ student. I wasn’t particularly clever or not, but looking back, I doubted myself so much. Actually, I was in top sets for most of my classes, I wasn’t getting A*’s but I was getting B’s. My problem was, my friends were all so clever and they were getting the top grades. I found myself clinging onto them and relying on them to tell me when our next test was, the answers to the homework and how to plan an essay. This only got me so far and by sixth form they’d become pretty fed up of me. My grades were falling from B’s to D’s in A Level and I gave up completely on the idea of university while my friends were still maintaining their straight A’s. My tutor and some of my friends were telling me to apply for uni, but I was just so convinced I wasn’t good enough. Okay, I thought, I might be able to get in, but I would no way be able to pass any of the work. 

Looking back, I wish I could tell myself how much better I was than I thought. I really underestimated myself and there is no way I ever imagined I would be standing up on stage one day being handed a university diploma with an upper second class honours degree in Creative Writing with English Literature.

Although I continued with my old habits in the first year; relying on friends to get me through. It wasn’t until I passed first year with a similar grade to my friends that I realised I could do it myself. Okay, so maybe I only just scraped a 2:1, but so what? who cares? The fact is I did it and 15 year old GCSE-fretting me cannot believe it.

The graduation ceremony was amazing. My parents cried, my grandparents came too, and my sister, and I was the first Hull to ever go to university and get a degree. I am so proud of what I’ve achieved in my time at university, as well as my friend too. I have made the best, life-long friends at uni who I know will always be there for me. If you can go through that together, you can definitely get through anything together, is what I say!

University was no easy feat for me. I had to work full time as a Teaching Assistant in order to fund my study, as well as attend lectures and undertake the course full time. Balancing a potential career and high level education took its toll and in early 2017 I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and panic attacks. My anxiety has really changed who I am as a person. Whilst I used to be travelling all over the country to see bands and camp out to meet them and go on day trips to London, I don’t do any of that anymore. Panic attacks have stopped me from doing the things I absolutely love and once considered a hobby. Whereas now I feel that all I do is go to work, sleep and repeat, I hope that one day I will be able to overcome this anxiety in the same way I overcame my self-doubt about university.

So really, what I’m saying is, if you ever feel like you can’t do something, just give it a try. And then, when you manage to do it you’ll look back on yourself and regret doubting yourself so much…

I hope you’ve enjoyed this post as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it.

Emily

xoxo

p.s. I’ll leave you with some pics from my grad!

Halloween/ Christmas Haul!

lifestyle

Bonjour!

I think I may have peaked too soon, guys… I have basically nearly finished my Christmas shopping. And now I’ve started on decorations. The only thing I haven’t got is presents for my parents and a tree…

I feel like when it comes to December I’m going to be sick of the entire Christmas season, but for now, it’s great! Also, Halloween is UPON US. My friend and I took to Poundland, Hobby Craft and B&M to feed our excitement for the autumn and approaching winter, and here is the result:

Let’s start with Poundland. I can’t believe how much I got in here for £6! (6 things believe it or not…)


I mean… pumpkin lights. Can you even go wrong? They’re battery powered which kinda sucks, but they’ll only be one for one evening so hopefully should last. HOW CUTE???


These are my fave things I bought. They’re skeleton and a pumpkin tea light holders, A POUND EACH. They’re ceramic and everything and I just love them lots. 


The last Halloween thing I got from Poundland are the sweets for the trick or treaters. I love having themed sweets and not just your bog-standard drum sticks. These are eye-ball lollipop and Casper marshmallows- yaaaas!!

Okay, onto B&M and Christmas! If you don’t have a B&M near you, I can only sympathise. It’s a beautiful place. Especially for cheap little seasonal things that’ll spend most of the year in the loft. 


I am soooo happy with this purchase. I got 100 multicoloured Christmas lights for £5.99! And they’re plug-in ones which just makes me super happy. I just tried them out and believe me when I say they’re beautiful. 


And lastly, can you really go wrong with a box of candy canes for £1? I think not. 

Hope you enjoyed this post and that you’re just as excited about Christmas as I am!!

Happy holidays! (Too soon?)

Emily

Xoxo

Why Autumn/Winter 2017 Is Going To Be The Best!

lifestyle

Bonjour!

So there are many reasons why I’m super excited for this autumn/winter to get in full-swing. Here are just a few…

Moneyyyyy! For the first time in my life (apart from my gap year) I am working a full-time job with no money commitments; last time I was saving every penny for uni and travelling. Of course, I am trying to save to move out, but that’s just a ‘if I have the pennies, I’ll put them away’ kinda save. Anyway, this means that I am, for the first time, able to spend as much money as I possibly can on Christmas! I’ve always dreamed of a Christmas where I can spend loads on my family’s presents, buy myself a tree and decs and all the crappy nutcracker ornaments I can fit in my basket!

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Job prospects. So I work as a teaching assistant in a secondary school, but my absolute dream job is to work in literacy intervention for kids who needs extra English lessons. I love the school I work in at the moment and never want to leave, but I was beginning to worry that I might have to, as I can’t stay as a TA forever… I have done an English degree and taken a Higher Level Teaching Assistant course to prepare me for my dream job role- now it’s all about applying!

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Autumn/winter vibes in general… So who doesn’t love cosy autumn nights? Or trips to the nearest field hosting a firework display? Trick or treating (or in my case, getting no trick or treaters and eating a hundred packets of sweets in one evening). Cosy jumpers, dark evenings, stinging rain, frozen lips and icy windscreens. Can it get any better? Not to even mention Christmas!!

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Graduation!!! So I graduate in just over a week’s time… How scary is that? I’m thinking of doing a post all about my uni experiences and struggles. When I look back, I can’t believe I am where I am today. I never thought I would ever be graduating from university with a 2:1 in English Literature and Creative Writing. Little ol’ me.

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Plans with friends. I’m so excited about doing autumny/wintery things with people this year and have made so many plans to get me super excited. Christmas market visiting, pumpkin picking, concerts in Sheffield (well, just the one, but woo!), road trips and Christmas parties…

Let me know what your autumn/winter plans are and why you’re excited for the changing season.

Emily

xoxo

 

 

 

 

Blogtember Day #30- Work Primark Haul!!

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Bonjour! 

For the last day of September, I went shopping to get some more clothes for work (I barely have any)! Sorry if it’s not very exciting but some bits are lovely and autumn-y so stay tuned! 

Okay, so this first item is not for work (great start, Em) but I just had to get it. It’s a really cosy and soft jumper with Beauty and the Beast embroidered characters. £15, so not the cheapest thing Primark has ever sold, but cute and kinda worth it. 

Next is a very un-exciting black pencil skirt. It’s kind of a t-shirt material so it’s stretchy, which makes it a lot easier to move about in, hopefully! This one was £5 and goes with everything, right?

Staying with the bottom half, I picked up a pair of navy blue cropped smart/work trousers. They’re a lovely fit and look smart for work, so you can’t really go wrong. And thy have pockets- hurrah!!

I was, at first, disgusted with the very notion of roll-neck jumpers in Primark. I actually picked this one up by accident and threw it back down in disgrace. However, I thought about it for a bit and thought how lovely it would look with a scarf and a pair of loose fitting trousers, like the ones above, for work. So I went for it. I’ve yet to try it out in the work environment and get a teenager’s verdict, but I like it. 


I absolutely love this shirt, but again, I don’t know how it’ll work in practice just yet. It’s such a lovely baby pink shade with a breast pocket and pearls sewn onto the collar. Simple and so cute. And only £5!


Can you ever have too many scarfs for work in the winter? I literally live in them. This one is soooo cute. It’s a navy blue with gold stars all over it. I am in love with it. And it looks so expensive! £4. 

Okay, so these next two aren’t from Primark, but I thought I’d share them with you anyway. They’re the same style (I actually already have a beige one), one is yellow and one is bright orange. 

They’re from H&M and only £8.99, but they’re such a lovely fit. I wore one to work yesterday and got so many compliments! And the colours are so so so lovely for autumn! I’m kind of happy Halloween is on a work day, so I can wear the orange one then! 🙂 
Hope you enjoyed this post, and all of my posts throughout Blogtember! I’m sad to be seeing Blogtember coming to an end, but it’s just got me more excited about Blogmas!!! Obviously I’ll be posting before then, so stay tuned and in touch! Thank you for all your support, reads, likes and comments throughout the month- love you lots!

Emily

Xoxo

Blogtember Day #27- The Dentist!!

Blog

Bonjour!

Sorry for this short blog post today. I have been to the dentist and am currently dying (slight exaggeration). Okay, so on Boxing Day, yes, that long ago, I managed to fracture my tooth on a potato wedge. And since then I’ve visited the dentist five times!! They haven’t managed to fix it and now I’m going through the process of having a crown fitted! Fingers crossed this’ll work and I’ll be able to eat nice crunchy things again on both sides of my mouth…. the dream!

Anyway, my mouth and face is currently numb and swollen and I look like a dribbling mess. The anaesthetic I’ve been given is so strong I just want to sleep…. so that’s what I’m going to do. 

Good night! 

Emily

Xoxo

P.s. Here’s a pic of me from yesterday when my face was of normal proportions. 

Blogtember Day #26- 10 Things That Make Me Happy!

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Bonjour!

I’m a big believer in reminding yourself of the good things in your life. So I’m going to share the ten things that make me super happy. I’d love to hear your’s too!
1) Early nights and cosy TV shows. 

I’m a very tired person. Generally. I am usually in bed by 9pm and falling asleep with the TV on after ten minutes. I love to put a familiar show on to fall asleep to. These currently include Outnumbered, Miranda, Gavin & Stacey and Horrible Histories! Ha!
2) My cat.

I love my little baby. She’s called Roxy and she’s 12 years old. We’ve had her since I was 12 so she’s a huge part of my life. I couldn’t be without her.
3) My job.

As much as I loooove to moan about work, I actually love my job. Working with children and young people means that life is never dull and every day is different. That’s for sure.
4) My wonderful friends. 


I take my friends for granted a lot and I’m awful at that. But lately I’ve been having some tough times and I’ve realised how much I bloody love my friends. Especially my bestie Katie and the wonderful Bethany (http://dreamsoflustre.wordpress.com/).
5) Make up.

It sounds super shallow, right? Thing is, I’m not actually a huuuuge make up wearer, but I enjoy experimenting and watching tutorials of how to get different looks. It’s just a bit of fun!
6) House plants. 


If your house plants don’t have names, do you even own house plants?
7) Books!!


I am one of those people who read their favourite book so many times that it’s falling apart. My taste in books so so diverse, you wouldn’t even believe me. My two faves are To Kill A Mockingbird and The Wind in the Willows. I also love teen fiction (Looking For Alaska is fave), and I’m also a member of the folio society for Samuel Pepyes’ diaries. See, told you you wouldn’t believe me. Also love a good non-fiction Brian Cox number, a screen play, or even a Shakespeare play. I mean, give me your car instruction manual and I’ll read it.
8) Christmas!!

So I always say that after my birthday, Christmas begins! And, as you know, my birthday was three days ago so Christmas is now in full swing.
9) Music. 


Music makes everything better, right? Again, diverse taste. Let’s just say from Joy Division to One Direction and leave it at that, shall we?
10) Bullet Journalling. 


As you may have seen from my previous bu-jo post, I’m a journaller and thrive in all things stationary and washi tape.

Hope you liked reading about the things that make me happy. I’d love to hear your’s- comment below 🙂

Emily

Xoxo